##[Men Singing]
## [Ends]
[Cheering]
Damn! Football, basketball and now softball.
Those gyrenes whip our fannies every time.
Colonel, nobody wants to win more than I do, but don't get yourself upset.
- It's only a game. - You cost us the game!
It's that skylark attitude of yours that got you thrown out at home plate!
- [Stammers] - Colonel, we lost 24-4.
- She killed a rally! - Murderer.
- Bartender, charge another round to Potter's wimps. - [All Laughing]
"Wimps," huh?
Oh, I'd give a year's retirement pay to find one thing we could whup those weenies at.
They're just lucky there aren't any bowling alleys around here. I'd show them a strike or two.
Bowling, huh? Wait a minute.
I roll a pretty mean hook myself.
- Colonel, I'm pretty good at... - Not now, Margaret! I'm recruiting.
- Pierce? - I don't bowl.
Although I once had a perfect score on Lovers' Lane.
- Hah! - Hunnicutt?
I had third-highest average in my league, but that was a while ago.
Bowling's like riding a bicycle: You never forget.
Okay. We got ourselves three quarters of a team.
Shouldn't be a problem finding one more in this whole camp.
- What about me? - No, I'll look for him.
Pitts, we found a game that we are gonna beat you at.
Oh, yeah? What is it, jacks or tiddlywinks?
- [Laughing] - Bowling.
Bowling? What are you gonna use for an alley, the minefield?
I'll handle the alley part. You just have your four best bowlers here a week from today.
Now, are we on, or are you... [Clucking]
We're on.
Oh, and one more thing, Sparky. Would you check on that shipment of methylene blue?
Major Winchester's still waiting for it.
Thanks a lot, Sparky. So long.
- Was that "thank you, Sparky" for the bowling alley? - Uh, no, sir.
- Just for some medicine. - Damn! You're letting me down.
Sir, after six days on this phone, I can safely say there's no bowling alley to be had.
Captain. Permission to send the balls and pins back, sir?
Permission denied! What kind of a country is it that doesn't have a bowling alley?
What do these people do on Saturday night?
- Sir, isn't it time to give up on the tournament? - The hell it is!
- Is there anything I can do for you, sir? - [Door Opens]
- Huh? No, no. I just want to finish this. - [Door Closes]
Okay, sure.
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
Uh, hello. Is this, uh... Is this Sparky?
Yeah. This is Captain Pierce at the 4077 th.
Can you help me? I need to... I need to place an overseas call.
Yeah, it's important.
Hot damn! Well, what do you think of your old C.O. Now?
I got to hand it to you, sir. It really works.
You know it. Anything that hits either bench is a gutter ball.
We'll kick those marines' butts way back to the halls of Montezuma.
- Goldman, I want 12 coats of wax on this before morning. - Yes, sir, Colonel.
You can wax all you want, sir, but that's not gonna get us our fourth bowler.
So far, it's still only you, me and Captain Hunnicutt.
Everyone else in the camp is sick of getting creamed by those marines.
Klinger, we're desperate. Just get a fourth body. Any body will do.
Colonel, if you're still looking for a bowler, I'm available.
Not a chance.
[Loudly] No! No, no, no, no. Not Portland, Oregon.
There's... Yeah, yeah. There's one in Maine too.
- Pierce. - Okay, yeah, I'll wait. I'll wait.
- Shh, shh. - Charles, if you don't mind, this is private.
- Well, then, shh. - Yeah, well, see, this is an emergency.
My father's... My father's having an operation.
I said, my father's having an operation.
L... Why not? What...
What... I don't understand. What do you mean, you can't call Portland from Guam?
You're routing me through where?
- Mars? What? - Military Affairs' Radio Stations.
Oh. Charles, I don't want anyone else in this camp to know about this.
Yes, all right! Fine! I'll wait, I'll wait.
Yeah, yeah.
- What's he going in for? - He didn't say.
- Well, when does he go in? - Today. And thanks to the U.S. Army postal system...
which studied under the U.S. Army phone system...
the letter he sent me over two weeks ago just got here.
Damn it! I wish I knew what it was.
Well, is there anything I can do?
Charles, one of the things I've always liked about our relationship is...
we never let sympathy get in the way.
- Ah. - Yes! Yes, I can hear you. Yes. Can you hear me?
Wha... l-I'm supposed to say "over"?
- No! Wait a minute! That wasn't an official "over." - [Slaps Desk]
Padre, you're lofting the ball.
- Where'd you learn to bowl, in a nunnery? - Colonel, your tone offends me...
especially since I didn't want to be on this team in the first place.
- You came in here for tryouts. - I came in for cocoa.
All ready for practice, Coach.
A goofy smile isn't gonna win us this bowling tournament, Hunnicutt.
Now, I want you to show the padre how to set the ball down without lofting it.
Oh, sure. No problem. Watch this, Padre.
No loft.
Hunnicutt, you bowl like a grade-school kid.
I thought you told me you placed third in your league.
- It was a grade-school league. - I wanted Pitts so bad.
- Colonel, gotta talk to you. - You practice. You pray!
I picked up some scam at Rosie's. Guess who's bowling for the gyrenes?
- Marty Urbancic. - Urbancic. Urbancic?
The Trenton Tornado.
Before the service, he placed third in the U.S. Open Bowling Championships.
Pitts has pulled some strings to get him transferred into his unit.
A professional. That's disgusting!
How low can you get? Do we know any?
[Hawkeye] Yes, I'm still waiting. Over.
And over and over and over.
Uh, Pierce, I'm gonna take a little break, go get some coffee. Do you want some?
No, thank you. Yeah, Portland General?
I'm... I'm trying to reach my father, Daniel Pierce.
- Over. I got the hospital. - Splendid.
She's ringing the room.
Hello?
Hel-Hello? Who... Wait. Who's this?
No, no, no, no, no. I can't clear the line. I'm...
Now, come on, operator. Just give me a minute, will you? The...
Yeah, well, can't the general wait? My father's gonna be on in a...
Hello? Hello?
Damn!
- Colonel, you wanted to see me? - You bet.
Padre, pick up the spare for me. Lord knows you could use the practice.
Enough, Colonel. I'm developing a rather ugly blister on my thumb.
Padre, nobody said war is fun. Now, bowl.
Let's go over here... where we can talk man to Major.
Margaret, I've decided you can be of some help to the team after all.
Oh, Colonel, just put one of those balls in my hand, and you won't regret it.
Not exactly what I had in mind.
- [Ball, Pins Clattering] - You're lofting again!
[Blows]
In a couple of hours, the marines are gonna be here for practice.
They've gotten themselves a ringer, a pro.
Now, if you really care about the 4077 th, you'll see to it...
that by the time a certain Sergeant Urbancic walks into this alley tomorrow...
he'll be a shadow of his former self.
Are you suggesting that I allow some leatherneck...
to land on the shores of Margaret Houlihan?
- Margaret, how could you even think such a thing? - How can you even...
What is the matter with you?
I'm just suggesting that you use your vast repertoire of womanly charms...
to occupy him with an evening of boilermakers and getting his hopes up.
- [Ball, Pins Clattering] - Colonel, they may have a pro, but you don't!
I should have offered her a promotion.
"Tests and possible surgery." This letter has "cancer" written all over it.
[Phone Rings]
4077 MASH.
Yes, this is Captain Pierce. Who's this?
That's great! That's great! Thank you, thank you.
Ham operator in Portland. He picked up my call, and he's ringing the hospital now.
Hello? This is Captain Pierce calling from Korea.
Please, don't cut me off. I understand that my father, Dr. Daniel Pierce...
is in for an operation, and I'd like to speak to him, please.
Over. They're putting me through.
Okay. Hello, Dad? Over.
Oh. Who- Who's... Who's this? Over.
Whe-When did he go in? Over.
Yeah, all right. Look. I'm his... I'm his son, and I'm a physician.
What can you tell me about his condition? Over.
Yeah. I see. Thank you, Nurse.
Out.
Operator, I'd like to place this call again in about an hour or two. Thank you.
They did an I.V.P., and they found a mass pushing on his kidney.
Oh. [Sighs]
And then when they opened him up, they found a pheochromocytoma.
All right. That's... That's delicate.
But if they're careful, they should be able to get it out without any trouble.
And if they make a mistake, it could kill him.
Here's to Marty Urbancic, the Trenton Tornado.
Knocks down the beer like he knocks down the pins.
How could Colonel Potter suggest I'd even speak to such a barbarian?
Well, what do you expect from a bunch of guys who go to work wearing gowns...
and play baseball with nurses?
All right. Come on, fellas. Let's go practice.
- Vermin. - You think this is bad.
Imagine what they'll be saying about us all over Korea after we lose.
They haven't won yet.
Oh, golly!
Oh! Oh.! [Laughs]
Excuse me, uh, dollface.
Oh. Not at all.
It's... such a pleasure to bump into somebody...
- as famous as Marty Urbancic. - Yeah.
He's doing it to me. I know it. I know it. I just know it.
I'm afraid you've lost me.
One morning when I was 10, my dad made me breakfast...
a bowl of cornflakes.
And l... I asked him why Mom wasn't making breakfast that morning.
And he said she wasn't feeling well, but it was nothing.
And a few days later, he made me scrambled eggs and bacon...
and said that Mom was in the hospital, but it was nothing to worry about.
By the time Dad was up to... French toast and sausages, Mom was gone.
He never wanted to worry me.
Nothing's changed since I was 10. This is just another fancy breakfast.
[Chattering]
- [Laughs] - Good boy.
So much for warm-ups. Pitts, the time has come.
I can't start yet. The guys haven't found my ace.
What the hell happened to you?
- Get over there. Sit down. - Margaret, you did your bowling captain proud.
I didn't do it for my bowling captain. I did it for my unit, so don't blow it.
Grab him, guys! Grab him!
Marty, where you been? Eh, no, no, Marty. No, no. No, no.
I mean, I've said it a thousand times:
"Talk to you later, Dad. I love you."
But I never told him...
that I mean it, that l... that I really do...
Iove him, w-with a love that I could never feel for anybody else in the world.
What if he dies now without my having a chance to say that to him?
Pierce, there is no sense in projecting the worst in this thing.
The worst is a distinct possibility.
Dad and I are too close to...
let this all suddenly end with...
silence, 12,000 miles apart.
Pierce, you should be grateful that...
only distance is separating you.
My father and I have been 12,000 miles apart in the same room.
Yeah?
The most intimate and personal communication at the Winchester household...
took place at the evening meal.
Every night promptly at 7.15...
we would gather at the dinner table.
The soup would be served...
and my father would begin with...
"Tell us what you did today, Charles."
As the elder of the two children...
I was given the privilege of speaking first.
I would then have until the salad to report...
the highlights of my day.
Even now, the sight of lettuce makes me talk faster.
I always assumed that that's how it was in every family.
But when I see the...
warmth...
closeness, the fun of your relationship.
My father's a good man.
He always wanted the best for me.
But...
where I have a father...
you have a dad.
Charles, you never told me anything like this before.
Actually, Hawkeye...
I've never told you anything before.
[Cheering]
First frame and they're killin' us, thanks to you and your big, fat zero.
Next time, keep those big gunboats of yours behind the foul line.
I'm sorry, but when I was in the sixth grade, I only wore size 11 s.
- You're up. Go get 'em, tiger. - Yes, sir.
- [B.J.] Okay. - Bear down, son.
The only chance we've got is if you can really skunk red-eyes Urbancic.
- [B. J.] Keep your feet behind the line. - Yeah, okay.
[Mulcahy] We're counting on you.
- I got a strike against Marty Urbancic! I got a strike! - Klinger! Yeah!
You're up, champ.
Remember, no fair knockin' 'em over with your breath.
All right. Come on, Marty.
[Man] Roll it down the middle.
That's for you, dollface.
[Man On P.A.] Attention. Incoming wounded.
Some North Koreans really knocked these guys off their pins.
- Pitts, you and your bowlers lend us a hand. - Right. Come on, guys.
Sponge. Doggone it, I may never beat those jarheads.
I just remembered why I bowled so well in the sixth grade.
- If you cried, they let you take it over. - Listen, will you be quiet?
I can't hear what my anesthetist is saying.
Colonel, there's no way I'm gonna be able to continue in the tournament.
Carrying litters has exacerbated my blisters.
Sure, the rat leaves the sinking ship. Clamp.
I can't believe this! Will you keep it down?
Pierce, he's gonna be all right. Give it a rest if you can.
We need a bowler here. The padre's on the injured list.
Why don't you at least give me a chance to show you what I can do?
- I've seen what you can do. - That was softball!
- All right. I'll give it a try. - He's our man!
- [Charles] Good for you. - Thought you'd want to know, Major.
- Your methylene blue just arrived. - Ah, good.
We'll start Private Selkirk on it right away.
Uh, Colonel, I was thinking, now that the methylene blue has arrived...
there might be some others in the camp who could benefit from its effects.
Oh, I'm dead on my gunboats.
I sure wish we weren't out of that methylene.
Beej, you're in luck. Some of those magic pepper-uppers just came in.
- There you go. - Ah, great.
One of these little beauties, I'll be good for four or five more games.
- Easily. - Hey, uh, how about one of those for me? I'm beat.
- Sorry. - I don't know.
- Didn't I help you with the wounded? - Oh, here.
I hate to hear a marine whimper.
- Thanks for the pick-me-up. - Mm-hmm.
Whose side are you guys on, giving him a pep pill?
- Klinger, those things do absolutely nothing for pep. - What does it do?
- It turns your urine blue. - Blue!
That was terrific!
- How we doing? - A better grade of lousy than before, sir.
Marty, how about another beer?
Heh, I don't mind if I do.
First, I gotta go make a little room for it.
- Marty, Marty, where you going? - Be right back.
[Urbancic] Oh, my God.!
- I think he's just visited the land of sky-blue waters. - Sounds like it.
Uh... Uh, my inside... I'm turning blue inside.
- Blue? - Kotchner's Syndrome?
- Kotchner's Syndrome. - What's that?
Oh, it's a rare, degenerative neurological disorder...
that usually attacks men about your age in the bathroom.
- Is it serious? - Well, it's imperative that you avoid, uh...
- undue bending for at least a week. - Oh, yes.
- Bending? - Of course.
- To avoid your kidneys... - Pressure.
- Being pressured from your ribs. - Down.
- I can't bowl. - Oh! Would that affect your bowling?
- Gee, I didn't think about that. - I have to tell Pitts.
- Oh, no, no. - Really, I wouldn't recommend that if I were you.
This isn't the kind of malady that's talked about openly among nice people, like marines.
- Say it's something a little less embarrassing, like V.D. - Yeah, that'd work.
You're right.
[Man] All right.!
Marty, come on. You're up.
Colonel, uh, I think I'd like to drop out.
Are you crazy? You're my ace.
I had to bribe everybody between here and New Jersey to get you in this tournament.
Now, you are gonna bowl, unless you got a reason and a half.
- Now, what's the matter? - It's not really anything.
- Captain Pierce? Your call has come through. - Thank you.
Colonel? I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to finish. It's a personal matter.
Just once I'd like to catch a break.
You wouldn't know a break if it bit you.
- And I just might. - All right. Houlihan in for Pierce.
- [Laughing] - Houlihan.
Houlihan? I thought she was still someplace between third and home. [Laughing]
Come on, Marty. You're up.
Uh, oh, oh. Here, Marty.
All right, boys.
[Klinger] Oh, what a shame!
- Did you see that? - [Muttering]
Hello, Dad? Yeah, hi. It's me.
What... Can you hear me okay?
How did the operation go?
Oh, that's great. That's great!
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, Dad... Ye... Dad, l... I can hear how tired you are.
You just... You just relax. Let me talk for a while, okay?
You really had me worried.
If... If something like this happens again, will you please let me know?
I'm...
I'm not 10 anymore.
I mean, will... Yeah, all right.
Will you promise, Dad?
I've been thinking a lot about you lately.
Well, you know, all the fun we used to have at dinner.
Remember that?
The way we would, uh...
Yeah, the way we'd talk and tell jokes.
Somet... Yeah, sometimes we'd laugh until the food got cold.
Yeah.
[Chuckles]
I know! And then I got the spinach on my sleeve, and you...
Yeah!
I love you, Dad.
I love you.
Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. You rest.
Listen, remember what you always told me...
you know, that you tell all your patients.
Do what the nurses tell you to do.
I'll see you as soon as I can.
Okay. Good-bye, Dad.
[Handset Clatters In Receiver]
[Sighs]
[Laughs]
[Potter] Come on, come on. A lot ridin'on this.
[Cheering]
- [Margaret] We won.! We won.! - We won! We won!
We finally put the lid on those jarheads!
How's it feel to lose to a bunch of wimps?
Not to mention a dollface!
Hey, Hawk.! It was a squeaker, but we pulled it out.!
We sure did.
## [Up-tempo]
[Crowd Chattering, Laughing]
- Pitts, my glass is empty. - How many of those you gonna drink?
- How much money you got? - Fill 'im up.
Guys, guess what? I think I'm cured.
- Ah, no more "blues in the night"? - You are a lucky man.
Boy, I'll tell you, this is a load off of my mind.
You never told me. Where'd you learn to bowl like that?
What do you think Marty and I did last night?
Between drinks, he taught me everything he knew.
This one's on me, Charles.
- Thanks. - Thank you.
To our fathers.
And their sons.